"'She knew how to keep her own secrets in spite of her innocent ways and her curly hair.'"

Blessed folk of the readalong! I am back! My deepest apologies for missing last week, I was busy plotting nefarious murders investigating missing friends and whatnot because clearly, I'm more of a Robert than a Lucy.* Especially if this is anything to go by:

"Sir Michael Audley made that mistake which is very commonly made by easy-going, well-to-do observers, who have no occasion to look below the surface. He mistook laziness for incapacity. He thought that because his nephew was idle, he must necessarily be stupid. He concluded that if Robert did not distinguish himself it was because he could not."

I DO NOT DISTINGUISH MYSELF BECAUSE I AM LAZY. This is my biggest flaw (probably). I'm not saying I'm the geniusest genius, but I am better than the minimum wage job I currently have. I am feeling more and more akin to Robert every week (that's Robert with the amazing job that he doesn't have to work at. But eh.)

ENOUGH ABOUT ME AND MY TROUBLED LIFE. I can't even remember what happened last week, because of that not writing it down thing, but let's go back to the start of this week's section... Ah. Ok. Can we please talk about women and this book? Obviously it's written by a woman, but MEB seems to be the kind of woman who doesn't like other women very much. There's the evil Lucy, the fab but unmarriable Alicia, the perfect Clara Tallboys who, let's face it, looks like a man, and... That's it. Plus, there's Robert, her mouthpiece, who has decided that he doesn't like women very much (DUH) and says shit that I can't tell if I like very much or not, like this:

"To call them the weaker sex is to utter a hideous mockery. They are the stronger sex, the noisier, the more persevering, the most self-assertive sex. They want freedom of opinion, variety of occupation, do they? Let them be lawyers, doctors, preachers, teachers, soldiers, legislators- anything they like- but let them be quiet- if they can."

Because like... Yay to women being capable of such jobs, but boo to us having to sit down and shut up just because we're allowed to do them? Robert goes off on a few rants like this in this section, and with every one, I can feel my love for him withering and dying, which is cool because he's still like this with George:

Oh, poor George.

Plotwise- Robert is pretty good at the sleuthing, I have to say. He's traced Lucy back preeeeetty far, and she's basically admitted everything to him with her face and is now going to have him sectioned, which seems like a cool plan (or, sorry, a 'cool plan') AND THEN we get to see things from Lucy's POV. DO WE LIKE THIS? I think I do- it's interesting that, although she's clearly a villain (DUH) there's a definite sense that the things she's done, at least in her mind, haven't been extremely premeditated and have been spur of the moment decisions for her own advancement. Spur of the moment like pushing George down the well? I THINK SO.

ALTHOUGH- even though we clearly all believe this is definitely true, the way she talks about murder in her own brain does make me the tiniest bit doubtful that this is what has happened (I know!) because she still seems so horrified by it. Pre-burning the pub down, that is.

Let's talk about that for a sec- can we make predictions? I think Luke is totally going to burn to death (side note on Luke: How much is he a wife-rapist? He totally is. I am so sad for Phoebe and that is why I long for his death) while Robert will escape by heroically smashing through a window and falling to the ground with barely a scratch on him. Or he'll go blind and then Clara/Alicia will love him so much that his sight returns. Whatever.

FINAL ANGER:

"Poor little creature; poor unhappy little golden-haired sinner; the battle between us seems terribly unfair. Why doesn't she run away while there is still time?"

Yes, Robert. The battle between you and a woman you suspect is capable of murder is incredibly unfair. Why don't YOU run away now, before she MURDERS YOU? Moron.

*Typing this has actually amused me quite a bit because my two managers are called Rob and Lucy and I've only just realised this. In a real life scenario... I'm probably still more of a Robert, to be fair.

Sunday Sundries: I don't even know.

Ugh, this has been both the longest and the shortest week ever. Shortest because I've had no time to do things that I actually like doing (reading, watching tv in bed, eating actual meals) but long because shit's been happening that I don't necessarily want to happen, or that I've decided to do myself but that is DRAINING MY MIND*.

So, this week: I've worked extra hours, in the form of two whole days (I'm not complaining! I understand that normal people have full time jobs) and the rest of my time has been spent at the hospital with my dad while the doctors refuse to release him even though the rest of his recovery could totally happen at home but what do I know, I'm not a doctor. I basically haven't been at home before about 8.30pm all week, and my dinners have basically just been cereal. It's been pretty lame, and to say that I'm frazzled doesn't even cover it.

I can almost define this week as a series of things I've failed to do. I've failed to cook. I've failed to run. I've failed to keep my room looking like anything other than a tip. I've failed to keep up with a readalong. I've failed at staying awake during Breaking Bad (First time EVER). But the things I have done have been more important than the things I haven't, and I'm really aware of that. I've been there for my dad. I've worked more so I don't have to worry so much about money. I managed to make a cake for my dad's birthday (yep, a lovely hospital birthday). I DID run, when I was sure I was too exhausted to. I did that. And that's more important.

And now I'm getting all weird and reflective in a blog post. It's ok, you should probably just ignore me for the moment, and until things calm the fuck down and stop giving me no time to think. I've had so little time to do things this week that this evening, when I've had hours to do stuff, I've been flying from one thing to the next, not properly focusing on any of the things and leaving things half done, or not even that. This blog post has been onscreen for about 3 hours, and it's not even long!

I need more sleep, and less things to do. Basically.

But that's enough about me. Here's what I'm giving you the gift of- some links that I've been collecting on my phone for AGES now that might be of interest, or that are at least of interest to me. Plus, you know, I want to have less pages open in the safari app. Makes sense, right?

• Here's what happens when you try to eat 12 donuts from 12 donut shops in one morning. What happened to me was that I laughed a LOT. Read it, it's good.
• 11 Essential Stephen King Books. I kind of agree with most of these, even though I think Needful Things and The Dead Zone are kind of skippable, and it's RIDICULOUS that Misery isn't on the list. Just sayin.
• Which country reads the most? Probably not yours, but you're probably doing better than mine.

Aaaaand I definitely thought I had more than that, but apparently not! The donut one is the really important stuff though. Like, seriously. Get on that.

I'll hopefully make more sense next week. But don't count on it.

*Deliberately vague on that one. Sorry, kids.

Devouring Books: The Harm In Asking by Sara Barron

I mentioned a while ago that I'd accepted a couple of books for review for the first time and it was all very exciting. I've always been very, very cautious about doing this, partially because I've got SO many books already that I'm like 'ughhhh, what if this sucks and I could have been reading something awesome and then I have to spend even more time SAYING stuff about it and ugh'; and partially because I'm always concerned I'll feel obligated to be even vaguely nice about it even if it sucks because, you know, I'm nice.

I'm not going to be vaguely nice about this book. I am going to RAVE about it because, seriously, it's hilarious. When I got the email about it, I figured, you can't go wrong with a book of funny essays, and whilst that's almost definitely not true, it was definitely the case for The Harm in Asking. I read it during the 24 Hour Readathon, and it wasn't a hardship to get through at all- I laughed, and I laughed, and then I laughed some more. And I'm not talking the kind of laughing where you sit and smile and are laughing a bit in your head- I'm talking actual out loud laughing, which hardly ever happens for me when I'm reading. When it does, I take note.

The Harm In Asking is essentially a memoir in essay format, mining gems from Barron's past for comedy value and the awesomeness factor, and generally being hilarious. It's the kind of book of essays that Hannah Horvath from Girls* would probably like to write, except she doesn't really have enough self-awareness, or self-deprication to do it. Barron's essays, whilst self-absorbed (very Hannah), contain juuuuust enough awareness that the things she has done and the ways she has thought are ridiculous so that it doesn't get annoying, or awful, or anything but, you know, funny.

I know what you're thinking. This is a book of essays about a person you've never heard of. Why should you care about her life when you could just read, say, Why Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? and find out more about Mindy Kaling? Well. You should definitely read Mindy's book too**, but you should definitely read this too, because where else are you going to read about someone's chronic and hilarious farting issues, their myriad of unsuitable and INSANE roommates, that time this guy she liked asked her to be his pimp, and her issues with needing sympathy and A LOT of acknowledgement and recognition. Which she recognises is a problem.

The main appeal of these essays, or at least the main reason I found them funny, is that Barron gets into a lot of situations because she's trying to be cool, and messes them up so badly that she ends up being horribly uncool instead. This kind of secondhand embarrassment is something I find really funny, not least because, you know, it happens to all of us! But at least this one isn't. I also massively appreciate that Barron talks about things that women aren't really 'supposed' to talk about- farting, masturbation, having an imaginary dog... Ok, that last one probably isn't something anyone should talk about...

Essentially, I came away from this not necessarily liking Barron, but kind of believing she's basically the most hilarious person ever. It seems like she'd be exhausting to hang out with (not because she makes you do loads of ridiculous shit, but because of that acknowledgment thing) BUT that it would be worth it because of the hilarity. As I've said, without the self-awareness that she has, this could be awful, but because Barron is aware of the ridiculousness of her actions, she can point it out to her reader and go 'look! Look how ridiculous I've been!' and you see it and you laugh. It's pretty great.

And if all THAT isn't enough to convince you that you want to read it, let's have some quotes:

"I hoped to meet a woman of this description and to make of her a ladylove. For to begin my lesbian exploits while I was in college? While I was in New York?
I could think of nothing more unique."

"The sister was not amused.
'What the fuck?' she screamed.
And then I farted in response. It was not intentional. It was merely the choice my body made on my behalf."

"Tattooed women have an air about them that says, 'I have lived.'
We all have, of course, it's just that my unexceptional variation on the verb involved frequent masturbation and a deep-seated fear of throwing up."

I mean, right? Go and read this. I have given it my seal of approval and also laughter. It's pretty great.

*From me, this is a compliment, but I get that she's not everyone's cup of tea. But stick with me on this, it's going to be great.
**Even if I can't mention it without saying how much the title essay annoys me. It annoys me so much!

Devouring Books: The First 20 Minutes by Gretchen Reynolds

Ever since I've started running, I've become increasingly interested in reading books about exercise in general, and running in particular. The First 20 Minutes: Surprising Science Reveals How We Can Exercise Better, Train Smarter, Live Longer* was offered to me as a Kindle Daily Deal, and in my sleep addled state (I should not read emails about books early in the morning) went 'oh, it's only 99p? Sure, I'll have it', bought it, and expected never to read it ever because Kindle books are so easy to ignore.

I'd love to say there was some grand and excellent reason for my starting it, but if there was I really can't remember it. I'm pretty sure it was something like 'oh, I only have my Kindle with me? Let's see what this book about exercise has to say' and then, you know, I started reading. And then I had to carry on because, seriously, Gretchen Reynolds? Is HILARIOUS. This is ostensibly a book about science, specifically the science behind exercise and its effects on the body, and it could have been really really really boring. But Reynolds makes sure that doesn't happen because she's basically my favourite person in the world right now.

She's pretty much the reason I'm reviewing this book at all and not just keeping it quietly to myself, because I know that a book about exercise isn't really going to be that interesting to most of you (although it totally should be and this is actually the best so you should definitely read it) BUT Reynold's voice is just so excellent that I couldn't let this one pass me by without comment. In my research (google) for writing this, I discovered that she's the Phys Ed columnist for the New York Times, which makes sense because her writing is excellent and her sense of humour impeccable.

So. Before I turn this post into a series of quotes by Gretchen Reynolds, let me just tell you a teeny bit about the book. More or less, it's a collection of all the latest studies into exercise and what it does to the body, and how they refute a lot of myths about exactly how you should exercise. There's also stuff about genetics and what they mean for exercise, as well as gender differences and aging and all sorts of other interesting AND useful stuff. Whilst I was mostly highlighting Reynold's awesomeness while I was reading, I was also highlighting things that actually seemed important and useful to remember. The book is also cleverly structured so that, at the end of each chapter, the most important information is in numbered lists, which means that it'll be easy to go back to and get a little refresher about what I should be doing, and not doing. Basically, it's been well worth its 99p.

But, most importantly, I wouldn't have finished it at all if Reynolds hadn't made everything sound so interesting and funny, so here's to her and her awesomeness:

"The Swiss... yodel through 9,650 steps a day and, despite the ready availability of Lindt chocolate, have a national obesity rate of barely 8 percent."

"In a study from New Zealand, a group of untrained men in their twenties were brought into a human performance lab and allowed to determine the intensity of their warm-ups on stationary bicycles. They spontaneously started competing with each other and were subsequently too fatigued to complete a cycling power test, a result that may say more about 20 year old males than about the hazards of a too strenuous warm up."

"Painful as it may be, skip that celebratory post-workout gelato, unless you are one of those exercisers who worry about keeping weight on, in which case keep your problems to yourself."

"Overtraining is particularly common, in fact, among people who are most dedicated to their training (I've never overtrained.)" 

"[on a study that showed aged mice who exercised remained young compared to the ones who didn't] While Dr. Tarnopolsky, an athlete for most of his life, was relieved to see that the active aged mice had kept their hair, his graduate students were more concerned with the animals' robust gonads. Their testicles and ovaries hadn't shrunk, unlike those in the inactive elderly mice. 'I think all my researchers exercise now,' he said." 

And that, my friends is only a snapshot of her wit and hilarity. I never expected this book to make me laugh, but it did that, as well as teaching me some pretty interesting things about exercise. Let this be a lesson to you: Kindle Daily Deals are awesome and well worth bankrupting yourself for when all those 99ps add up...


*that's the only time I'll be typing out that whole title, if that even is it's whole title... Is the second part just, like, a mission statement?

Sunday Sundries: But Seriously, Where Does The Time Go?

This isn't going to be one of those 'OMG, it's the middle of May ALREADY?' kind of posts, because I think we've all seen enough of them to last a lifetime. Having said that, I had an actual 'how is it the 16th May already?' moment on Friday because wasn't my birthday about a week ago? No, it was not.

Here are some life things that are happening at the moment- I worked extra hours this last week because work is really busy and I'm a sucker and, more importantly, a poor sucker. In my non-working hours, from Thursday, I've been going to the hospital to see my dad who has an infection (which he gets a lot, so it's not a crazy huge deal, but it's still stressful and it was the first time I'd been back to the hospital since my nan died there, which was difficult) and, you know, trying to keep running and do useful things.

This isn't really a post about that, either. I know where this past week has gone (Work. Hospital. Work. Hospital.) but I really don't know where the 5 and a half weeks since my birthday have gone, passed in a blur where, somehow, I haven't even found the time to watch Breaking Bad, or really anything of anything. It's not necessarily a bad thing, and I like the fact that time is going faster than it did for the first three months of the year (syrupy, slow grief time) but I'm constantly asking WHERE HAS MY TIME GONE?!

I have a few explanations. Firstly, I don't live with my parents anymore. I know, DUH, but this has made a big difference to the amount of time I have because I have to do so much more life admin now. Making dinner, doing washing, washing up, putting stuff away, food shopping... all the little bits of stuff that I need to do to keep going that all eat away at the time I have to do stuff like watch Breaking Bad and, like, read stuff. I'm not complaining about this at all, because I do love living not with my parents, but this whole losing time thing does take some adjusting to.

Next- I don't drive. So this means that whether I'm doing life admin, going to work, or pretty much doing anything, I have to leave earlier than a normal person, and will return later because I have to stick to the timetables of public transport rather than my own. Again, I'm not complaining, and actually I don't mind the amount of time I spend on buses because (as long as I'm not basically asleep) I can get some reading done and make that time useful. That's really the advantage of not driving- I can do useful things whilst actually in movement, which is kind of cool.

And then, finally. I have a mini iPad now. I didn't think I'd use it that much, I thought it would mostly be a novelty thing, but actually I kind of use it for everything. Plus, The Sims is a thing on it now and that is the hugest time suck ever. I can literally wake up in the morning and lose at least half an hour of my life looking at my phone and then switching to the iPad. It doesn't feel like I'm wasting time when I'm doing it, but it definitely feels like it when it's 11pm and I haven't done anything useful in the day other than completed 5 candy crush levels and created a new Sim.

I probably had a point somewhere in there, but I don't really know what it was anymore. I guess the thing is this- I am willing to sacrifice time to make sure all the life admin stuff gets done, I don't have much of a choice about the public transport thing, but I can definitely limit the amount of time I spend staring at screens and whatnot. Not that that's not a perfectly legitimate leisure activity- it totally is, but when I'm doing it at the expense of other things that I do actually really want to do, then it becomes an issue.

What about you? How do you make yourself STOP PLAYING THE SIMS and do other things? How can I regain time? WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?! (Don't worry about that last one, I can't even answer that.)

"'Why, I can't help smiling at people, and speaking prettily to them. I know I'm no *better* than the rest of the world, but I can't help it if I'm *pleasanter*.'"

It's Wednesday night and I'm tired and have a limited amount of time to write this, so let's make it snappy!

Not... That kind of snappy.

Question 1: Lady Audley has totally murdered George, right? At the very least she knows where he is, but she's murdered him, maybe? It was total genius to send that telegram to her dad to tell him to tell anyone who asks that George has gone back to Australia (how are you going to prove that didn't happen in the 19th century? It's not like George has stopped updating Victorian Facebook) and totally annoying that Robert being on the case makes her faint because FFS we don't just faint all the time! What is it with women in books?!

Question 2: Who is the narrator? I suspect this isn't even going to be a thing, and the narrator is just calling Lucy 'My Lady' out of respect, but wouldn't it be cool if this was being narrated by some servant or whatever, and at the end they're all like 'and it was I, the Butler, who discovered all the things!' 

This probably isn't going to be a thing.

Question 3: How excited am I that Robert is kind of turning out to be the hero of the piece? I can actually answer this one, it's very. Even though it means he has to do some work, I think it's sweet that Robert wants justice, or an answer, or something, for his one true love. I'm just going to gloss over that bit where he said he'd lock up his daughters til they were suitable for marriage and then basically sell them because UGH, no Robert.

Question 4: Can we somehow rescue Phoebe from her MURDERY CRAZY HUSBAND? I'm not sure that those two haven't passed out of the story forever, except actually Phoebe will probably be back because of her creepy twin-ness and the fact that she's been compared to a ghost already. FORESHADOWAMUNDO?

Question 5: "'You think her sensitive because she has soft little white hands, and big blue eyes with long lashes, and all manner of affected, fantastical ways, which you stupid men find fascinating.'" Is Alicia now my personal hero? Is this true for all pretty women all the time? Should we not judge people by their appearances but by other stuff instead? 

Question 6: "The lazy bent of his mind, which prevented him from thinking of half-a-dozen things at a time, and not thinking thoroughly of any one of them, as is the manner of your more energetic people, made him remarkably clear-sighted upon any point to which he ever gave his serious attention." Um... Am I Robert Audley? Because I sort of kind of might think like that a little bit, sometimes. Shit.

OK, I'm sure you'll all have many more interesting things to say about this week's chapters, and I shall be excited to read them all, but for now, I am out. Good day to you all, I say, and try not to marry your cousins or get hat feathers in your eyes.

Devouring Books: Books, Baguettes and Bedbugs by Jeremy Mercer

There are some books that put you in a certain place, at a certain time; and make it seem so enchanting that you never want to leave. When this happens in fiction, it can be heartbreaking to finish the book and be pulled out of that world, but when it happens in non-fiction, you leave with the dizzying idea that maybe, just maybe, you could actually live in that world, or at least something close to it.

This brings me to Books, Baguettes and Bedbugs. It's partially a memoir of a certain time in Jeremy Mercer's life where, due to some poor personal decisions, he ended up close to penniless in Paris and without many options. With all due respect to Mercer and his, you know, life, though, I wasn't really in it for that. What I was really in it for was the snapshot of life in Shakespeare and Company, an English Language bookshop in Paris that's also kind of a Socialist utopia, run by the AWESOME George Whitman, who let writers stay they for free, as long as they worked on their craft and agreed to help out around the shop.

Let me just repeat that: A bookshop. In Paris. That's also a Socialist utopia. If you don't think this is my ideal setting for life, then it's possible you don't even know me at ALL, internet!

As I've said, I was so wrapped up in the feel of the book (well, the feel of the bookshop, really) that I probably couldn't tell you that much about what happens in it. There's a lot of poverty, a lot of out of date advice on how to eat really cheaply in Paris and some drunken exploits by the Seine, all that kind of thing. What I can tell you, though, is that I want to be one of George's starving artists, even if he is kind of crotchety and mean at me*. Crotchety and mean is my favourite, right Bill Bryson? Mercer does a really good job of capturing the people and the feeling of living in Shakespeare and Co, and makes the bookshop, Paris and (to a lesser extent) being a little bit poor ever so appealing.

One of the best things about the book, really, is the people. As in any situation, living in a bookshop in Paris is only as cool as the people you're living with, and Mercer writes about such a range of characters that you almost feel like he's made them up. There's the secretly insane American, the crazy sexy woman he loves, the chef at the Australian embassy who feeds the starving writers, the eccentric English poet who they can't quite get to leave. Each one of them adds something to the feel of the book, and in spite of all their drama and combined neuroses, you kind of want them to be your friends, too. Each one of them adds something to the book, as I'd imagine they also added to the bookshop and to the picture of this amazing Parisian adventure I have in my brain.

Basically, I realise, I've told you nothing about the book ('as always!' I hear you cry) but you know what? I think that's ok. I think it's best that you go exploring through Paris on your own, and when you need a place to rest your head, Shakespeare and Co will be there for you. At least in the Paris of your brain. Or should that be my brain..?

*George died in 2011 aged 98 (!), so this part of the dream is, you know, impossible. George's daughter Sylvia runs the shop now, and I don't know if she lets anyone and everyone sleep there now. But let's pretend she does.