I'm trying to think of anything positive I can take away from the week, but really it's only been about one thing, and that was my nan's funeral. I knew it was going to be so much harder having it three weeks after she died, because I feel like I was just sort of getting used to not crying every day, and BAM, I'm right back into the sad stuff.
The only thing getting me through things right now is having my family right there with me. I'm actually still staying at my parents' at the moment because the idea of cooking for myself and generally looking after myself seems kind of overwhelming at the moment (it's probably less bad/dramatic than that sounds...) but also mainly because I don't quite know how to be around people who aren't going through what I'm going through, and, more importantly, who didn't know or love my nan the way I knew and loved her.
I mean, I know that's something I'm going to have to get over in life, but just for right now, it's how I feel.
So that's where I'm at right now, give or take extreme tiredness levels and also general hermitness. I've been reading some when I can be bothered, or when I'm not staring at the TV, but what I'm reading is Dreamcatcher by Stephen King, which isn't quite as bad as I remember it being, but I still sort of haaaate it. Why am I doing it to myself, I hear you ask? Well, much as I hate it, I'm so attached to Stephen King that even the worst of his books feels sort of comforting? It's kind of like when your parents do something you hate, but you still love them and like being with them, I think. Or I've just turned into a masochist.
I also watched the Megs recommended Ceremony last night, and it was actually pretty great. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't what it was, and that was kind of awesome. I might review it if I can gather up the energy, but if not, just know that it's good and it's on Netflix (US) and I give you permission to watch it.
Aaaaand, that's kind of it. Everything's just a tiny bit too much for me at the moment, I guess, but I'm just going to keep going and try and make things better and just generally think of things I enjoy and do them and see what happens. Please please please tell me your happy life things because DAMN I need to believe good things still happen in the world.
P.S. I was watching United States of Tara this week (because, if all else fails, watch things you know you like) and there was this one scene that I felt so perfectly reflected my internal feelings that I actually started crying and smiling all at once. It was insane, but perfect. Enjoy!
*Also I'm having a hard time finding that gif, if it exists, so that's annoying.
HUGS! I'm going to actually send you that brownie recipe tonight. Somehow didn't realise you were at your parents otherwise I would've sent them there!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the recipe! I would totally have told you I was at my parents, but you sooooo sneakily sent the brownies hehe. Which was fab, actually, never stop sending me post brownies :)
Delete*Cross ocean hugs*
ReplyDeleteYOU CAN GREET US LIKE ROSS! It's cool. I'm glad you're able to find comfort in Dreamcatcher, which I think is commendable on its own.
Ok then! *deep sigh* hiiiiiiii :(.
DeleteIt's literally incredible to me that I'm finding anything in Dreamcatcher, but it really is the Stephen King thing- it's just like 'ohhhh, I know this! This is comfy!' I like it. (But not the book itself. Obviously.)
I'm sorry to hear you had a rough week, and sorrier still to hear you have to weather it with Dreamcatcher. I love Stephen King, but that's definitely not one of his better offerings. Hope next week gets a little better and that you find a better Stephen King comfort read to get you through!
ReplyDeleteHahaha, poor Dreamcatcher! (But seriously, yeah, no, it's really bad). Thank you though- I hope this week gets better too.
DeleteSending you lots of hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're at your parents, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wallowing when you need to wallow.
Aw, thank you! I generally feel bad about wallowing because I think I've done it before to a really unhealthy extent, but then I have to kind of remind myself DUDE- it hasn't even been 4 weeks yet, and there's no rush to be over anything, you know?
DeleteSoulmate!!! I'm so sorry that your Nan died. I know how overwhelming grief can be and how hard it can be to just get out of bed some days. I'm glad that you have your family around you to help you get through this time together. I hope you feel better soon. Lots of hugs and love from me..
ReplyDeleteJENN YOU ARE BACK HI! Thank you for this, it's lovely. I'm making it a conscious thing to definitely get out of bed every day, but other than that I'm not sure I'm doing anything very worthwhile. But I'll keep on keeping on and whatnot (so glad you're back! xx)
Delete*Hugs*
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you're able to stay at your parent's house! It's always good to have people who understand around... you might find though that actually getting back to real life isn't so hard, and might even help you to deal with stuff. It has helped me before!
The other thing that helps me to deal with stuff is being halfway round the world from everything that is going on, it makes it a bit easier not to think about it. Not sure that that is particularly healthy though.
ARRRRGH, I was just writing this whole long heartfelt comment, but clicked off the page by accident and lost it! SHIT. But basically the gist was I know I need to return to real life and it will probably help (although I have been going to work, so there's that) but I just can't quite deal with it yet.
DeleteAND (this is the part I didn't write yet, so it'll be proper lol) it's definitely easier being away from things and not having to think about them ALL THE TIME because they're not in your face, but I have this thing now where if I'm not helping, then I feel so so so much worse. Not that there's really anything I can do to help, but at least if I'm here I can like, put the washing on for my mum or cook dinner some nights and go and sit with my grandad, so yeah. So really I guess, either not being here, or intensely being here are the best things for me!
That's completely understandable! As long as you know that real life isn't THAT scary! :)
DeleteI understand! In some ways its awful being away from stuff because there's NOTHING that you can do to help... although maybe the fact that there's nothing that you can do makes it easier to be doing nothing? I'm not sure that makes any sense. The few family illness related things that have happened while I've been in Japan have been pretty easy to deal with and really hard to deal with at the same time. Hmm. It's really good that you can be there for your family though! I wish that I could be there for mine!
I am so sorry about the death of your special Nan. It is time now for holding tight to those you love and who understand but do try to get out and walk a little everyday and breathe fresh air. May I suggest a book I think you might find useful: Tear Soup.
ReplyDeleteThank you, and thanks for the recommendation. I have been leaving the house every day, you'll be pleased to know (I've still been going to work, but I only work afternoons so I've been trying to get out in the mornings as well) so I guess I'm not doing to badly in that regard, it's just the getting back to normal thing that's being a bit of an issue. But I'll get there, I'm sure.
Delete*HUGS* That is a super rough week Laura, and I really hope that everything starts to feel a little bit easier and happier.
ReplyDeleteThank you my dear. I hope so toooooo. Trying to find some kind of optimism or something.
DeleteI'm so sorry for your loss, my friend. I've been thinking healing chocolate thoughts for you every time I open the bag of mini M&M's next to my computer! Know that you're loved from afar, and that your strength and desire to help in a time of crisis is commendable. Keep your head up, keep going outside, and day by day it'll get a little easier to remember what's beautiful about the world. ::hugs::
ReplyDeleteTika, this is the loveliest comment and made me cry! (Don't feel bad, everything makes me cry right now). Healing chocolate thoughts sound so so good, and I am so saving my mini m&ms for some really bad moment, man. Hopefully not the whole bag all at once, But I've gotta do what I've gotta do, ya know?
DeleteSeriously, loveliest comment!