It would be pretty redundant of me to try and explain just how much I love her, or in what ways, because which words can you use to sum up the impact of a person who has always been there for you, or the depth of the loss when you realise, over and over again, that she isn't going to be there anymore. For anything. Ever. I will carry her in my heart for always, and sometimes that feels like a wonderful gift but mostly it just doesn't feel like enough because I want her here, and I want to hug her, and I want so many things that I just can't have anymore.
It's been a rough week or so.
Right now I'm not really living in the present so much as the past and the future at the same time. This can make my brain feel a little complicated, sure, but it's difficult to stop remembering (there are a lot of memories) and it's difficult to stop thinking about things that are coming that are going to be so difficult and, you know, grief.
I don't really have the stamina to add much more right now, but here are a couple of things I've discovered this week:
- I'm pretty sure that the internet and especially social media were invented purely for the grieving. I've spent so much time reading blog posts (without having the energy to comment) and flicking between twitter and instagram and facebook and tumblr this week that it's ridiculous, but it keeps me occupied without taxing my brain too much.
- But the downside: when your nan dies on New Years Eve, everyone's wrap up of the year posts and resolution posts and ESPECIALLY Happy New Year posts will not be easy to take en masse. I still kind of want to slap anyone who wishes me a Happy New Year, even though it's not their fault, obviously.*
- It's really really difficult to read when you're stuck somewhere between the past and the future and barely have enough energy to watch TV all day. I'm hoping to get that skill back, and soon, though.
And that's about all I've got for now. I didn't want to leave you hanging, but I also didn't want to labour the point here, really. There's some important sofa sitting and TV staring to be done, you know?
*And seriously, if you did this to me on twitter or on the comments of my last post, then please don't think I hate you! I just... hate the situation. You know.