"There isn't a word for what I want to be yet. There isn't a thing I can gun for. The thing I want to be hasn't been invented."

Happy How To Build A Girl Day!

Firstly: If you're an American and haven't preordered this book yet, GET WITH IT, and get it from here. Secondly: There will almost definitely be spoilers but YOU KNOW you want to read this post, it's going to be awesome, so... Make your choices in life, people.

So. I know we're only, what, 60 pages in, but I've already laughed at this book a lot (like, seriously a lot. Out loud. With noise. THIS NEVER HAPPENS) and it's made me totally sad about the perception of people on benefits in this country (but glad we actually have such a system) and more relatey than I would like to be about Johanna's anxiety and feelings of powerlessness. Already, this book is doing a lot to me.

But, instead of discussing any of those slightly more serious issues, we're going to talk about wanking.

Do you know how many books I've read that actually talk about female masturbation? Maybe one, and that was a Judy Blume book and the girl (I want to say Deenie?) kind of sheepishly did it with a flannel. And that's IT. Here's what I think the ACTUAL deal is, in real life terms, about ladies wanking:

And so reading pages and pages about it in this book is fucking (ha!) revolutionary. It's especially great in that, it's not done in a weird, mistily lit way that is meant to make it appealing to men, or even at all sexually appealing, it's just a no holds barred account of getting your rocks off whenever you want, by whatever means necessary. I just... I mean... The people need to hear this stuff! It's like a coded message to teenage girls: 'Whatever you're doing is fine! Explore yourself! It's all good!'

Just, yes.

Ah, but there is more to this first section than just masturbating, I GUESS. As I said, of course it's funny because it's Caitlin, but for every moment of hilarity, there's also almost an equal number of parts that make you sad, or even just make you think about something a little more deeply. So you get this:

"It would be fair to say I visit the biscuits as much as I visit Violet. Once she had run out of biscuits. That had been a difficult afternoon for both of us."

But then also this:

"It's really best not to tell people when you feel bad. Growing up is about keeping secrets and pretending everything is fine."

 Much as Johanna is kind of a mess right now, I still like her a lot. Maybe I don't even like her, maybe I just care about her, but I'm slightly wary of the whole building a girl thing. It's not that Johanna's perfect right now and doesn't need to mature and grow and whatnot (plus, girl soooo needs to get laid) but there's a certain core to her character that I hope doesn't leave her completely because she's a unique little lunatic and I need her to stay that way, juuuust a little bit.

I've got nothing bad to say about how she deals with COMPLETE AND UTTER HUMILIATION though:

"I dealt with this with all the coping mechanisms I knew: lying under the bed with the dog, reading Little Women and eating jam sandwiches dipped in hot chocolate."

 Little Women will just cure ALL the things that ail you.

Sunday Sundries: Revisiting The Past, Not Thinking Too Much About The Future

Happy Sunday, guys and gals!

I'm in a slight state of disbelief that it's Sunday already, cause this week has flown past, probably because of this slightly disgusting migraine I had on Tuesday that resulted in a lot of laying down and a crapload of TV watching that made up most of my week. What this means, realistically, is that I've now seen season one of Orphan Black (SO GOOD, YOU GUYS, why aren't you watching this?!), season one of Black Mirror (also amazing. I watched Season Two about a year and a half ago, so talk about the wrong way round, but whatever) and haven't read the assigned chapters of How To Build A Girl because reading HURTS when you have a migraine, guys.

Plus, Orphan Black.

However. In spite of the inactivity of most of this week (not that watching TV in bed isn't a totally worthy pursuit. It's awesome) I still have so much to report to you guys! Well, sort of. Firstly is that my weekend in Bristol was a total success, in that I had muchos great catching up time with my friend Justine (we watched a lot of TV. Obviously), we jog-walked the race for life with a totally respectable time of arouuund 45 minutes (they started the clock before WE started so it's hard to tell exactly how long it took. But 45 minutes sounds good for me!), had literally the greatest lunch ever (at this place. If you're ever in Bristol... Let me know, and we'll lunch there), got a free sample of cider, because Bristol, AND managed to see most of the Wimbledon final where Federer didn't win. But you can't have everything.

Overall, it was a completely satisfying weekend, and weirdly restful, even though we did quite a lot. I enjoy this feeling very much.

THIS WEEKEND- so yesterday I went up to London with my sister because we both wanted to go to the V&A Museum of Childhood because there's a Jacqueline Wilson exhibition on. Jacqueline Wilson is essentially my favourite children's writer, I probably wouldn't have loved reading nearly as much if her books hadn't existed, and, let's be real, I would read any of her books at any time, even now (in fact, I bought a new one yesterday because of course I did). I was a little bit underwhelmed by the museum itself, in that they had stuff in the display cases from like 10 years ago (actually, they had stuff from 2013) and there wasn't any kind of like, social history of toys or anything, just a description of how they worked and it actually reminded me that I don't even like the V&A that much for similar reasons- it's basically just a load of STUFF and doesn't require you to think very much.

As for the exhibition though? It was good- it was awesome to see some of Wilson's early diary entries, some of her articles for Jackie magazine, and letters from editors suggesting changes to her work that showed quite well how the editing process happened. Obviously not all of her books had their own displays (there are so many of them!) but most of the ones that did were newer ones I hadn't read, so anything about them was kind of lost on me, but there was a display on The Illustrated Mum (my favourite forever and ever) so that pacified me a lot. The only thing I would say about it is that, since it's the museum of childhood, the exhibition is pretty much aimed directly at children. I don't know why this surprised me, but it did a bit, and it was a little bit jarring reading things like 'maybe you'll be a famous writer when you grow up!' and 'How would you like your house to look if you were a grown up?' WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M NOT A GROWN UP NOW?! Shut up, V&A.

But anyway. Fun was had all round, and then we went shopping and that was cool too. I had an incident where I said 'MOOMINS!" a little bit loudly in Foyles and made both members of staff look up, but whatever, I'm sure they just thought I was awesome. Obviously.

So! I did some stuff and yay summer for getting me out of the house! Nothing like it. I've got the next week off work (SO EXCITING) and I'm going to meet Rainbow Rowell tomorrow (EVEN MORE EXCITING! AND NERVE MAKING FOR ME BECAUSE I'M A LOSER) and probably see Bex on Friday and FRANCES is coming to stay (and meet Rainbow Rowell) and everything is just going to be the best. And then you'll get another long post like this next Sunday too, YOU LUCKY THINGS!

God, I love summer. Have amazing weeks you guyyyyyys!

Devouring Books: The Examined Life by Stephen Grosz

The Examined Life is another one of those books that cost 99p (Kindle Daily Deals, man), and, from it's description, I thought was worth a read. It's also another one of those books I thought I'd probably never read (or at least not anytime soon), but since the last book I read fitting this description was The First 20 Minutes, which was HI-larious, I thought this was worth a shot. Since I bought it and all...

The Examined Life is ostensibly a collection of case studies Grosz has collected working as a psychoanalyst, but they're also designed so that they can have a wider application to the lives of people who might be reading the book. This means that he'll describe the case specifically, and then make a general point about a state of mind, or coping mechanisms, or whatever the issues might be. I can see how for some people, this book might become a lightbulb moment for issues in their lives, but since it didn't really tell me anything I hadn't already figured out for myself, that's not really what it did for me.

This isn't to say that I didn't enjoy reading it. For me, it was like a little book of zen- filled with tiny reminders about faulty thinking mechanisms that can destroy your state of mind, and the idea that even if things are bad, they can be good again. I am in no way a well trained psychology student (I have an A Level in it, which equates to having studied it for two years) but I know enough to have my doubts about psychoanalysis, or at least about its limits and practical applications, so whenever Grosz brought it back to the parents (which happened A LOT) I rolled my eyes juuuust a little bit.

However. Maybe I'm just being picky, and this book could be genuinely useful and contain new information for most people. Maybe not everyone has read a lot of things about mental health. Here are some quotes for you* to judge the insight for yourselves:

"At one time or another, we all try to silence painful emotions. But when we succeed in feeling nothing, we lose the only means we have of knowing what hurts us, and why."

"We are vehemently faithful to our own view of the world, our story. We want to know what new story we're stepping into before we exit the old one."

"We all have a cheering voice that says 'let us start now, right away,' and an opposing, negative voice that responds 'I would prefer not to.' When we are in the grip of negativity, we lose our appetite for human connection."

"We can take on a catastrophe to stop ourselves feeling and thinking- and to avoid responsibility for our own intimate acts of destruction." 

See, to me, none of these things were particularly earth shattering. They are things I think it's good for me personally to keep in mind, but they're not things I didn't already know. Maybe there are a lot of things in this book that you might not know, but having lived for 20- odd years in this world, you probably do.

However. I did enjoy 'meeting' most of Grosz's patients, and I was really happy for them when, at the end of his essays (and, you know, months of psychoanalysis) they got better and resumed their lives as they wanted to live them. This was all good stuff, and, like I said, it really was a very soothing book to read. It kind of makes you believe that there are no problems so insurmountable that they can't be solved by talking about them, and that there is a little sentence out there that can dissect the things you are feeling, and what you can do about that.

It's not a terrible book, in other words, but it's something that I definitely wouldn't be bothered about reading again. I like my psychology a little bit meatier.


*although really they're just the most relevant ones to me, I think.

Devouring Books: Lizard by Banana Yoshimoto

There's this Maya Angelou (RIP) quote that goes "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." I bring this up because, much as this applies to people (and it so, so does), it can equally apply to books. I think we've all read books where we can't quite remember the plot or much that's specific from them, but shit, we know they made us feel things, and also stuff.

I bring this up because, I know that I really liked Lizard while I was reading it, I just can't remember much about the specific stories (there are 6). Banana Yoshimoto writes in a style I really like- it's fairly simple and easy to read, and then a sentence might come along that takes your breath away just a little bit; and that's in translation. Obviously because she's a Japanese author, I'm predisposed to like her (I'm currently reading my third Japanese book in a row, and have my next Murakami allll planned out), and it doesn't hurt that there's a touch of Haruki in her writing- a touch of magical realism, and oh yes some sadness; but her writing and her stories are still definitely all her own.

All that I've really said so far is 'Banana Yoshimoto is good, you should read her.' This is definitely true. If you tend to steer away from short stories (or Japanese authors. Or Murakami) then this might not be for you, but otherwise I say go forth! Get stuck into these little slices of life and love and hope and loss and all sorts of other themes that I can remember, even if I can't remember much from the stories themselves. Maybe you will, and they'll stay with you for the rest of your life. I really hope so.

However. Even if I can't remember much, I can remember some stuff. There are some little moments from some of the stories that have stayed with me, and because this review is lacking just a little bit in content, let's talk about a couple of those (bear with me, there will be quotes).

"Your love is different from mine. What I mean is, when you close your eyes, for that moment, the centre of the universe comes to reside within you. And you become a small figure within that vastness, which spreads without limit behind you, and continues to expand with tremendous speed, to engulf all of my past, even before I was born, and every word I've ever written, and each view I've seen, and all the constellations and darkness of outer space that surrounds the small blue ball that is earth. Then, when you open your eyes, all that disappears.

I anticipate the next time you are troubled, and must close your eyes again."

Mostly I just wanted to share that because it's abouuut as close as prose comes to poetry to me. But also, each time I read it, I interpret it differently. The first time, I thought it meant that her love for him is all consuming and engulfing, whereas his love is about enjoying meaning that much to another person. Now I think it's more that she uses his love as her place of comfort and home, and loves being able to provide that for her and welcomes it when he can. Maybe it's a little bit of both, or maybe it's something else entirely- THIS IS THE BEAUTY OF READING.

"I shut the window, and then looked down at the river again. Unlike the river I had seen moments before, full of chaos and anxiety, the water now appeared calm and powerful, like an image frozen by a camera lens. It was peaceful, like the passage of time, flowing by, gentle and unchanging. It amazed me how utterly different things can look, just with a change of heart."

I love this because it's so simple but it's so incredibly true. One of the oldest philosophical fragments (I know, I studied Ancient Philosophy one time, leave me alone) is about how no one steps in the same river twice, and this makes me think of that, as well as just the general idea that, the world isn't really this one static thing, it's also inseparable from the way we experience it (more philosophy!). The exact same view can be repellant or pleasing, depending on where we've been, what we've done, or simply how we feel that day; books can change what they mean to us as we age and learn more, and it's just one of the more interesting aspects of life- because we change, things that seem eternal and fixed just aren't.

I'm pretty sure that's what Yoshimoto was trying to say in those four sentences, anyway. Ahem.

So, yes. Lizard is pretty great at getting me to think deep thoughts, but not so much at getting me to remember stuff. On the whole, I'd probably rather do the former anyway, so if that appeals to you too, you should probably read this. If not, then you've probably got a better memory than me, so you can read this too. Failing all that, just read Moonlight Shadow from Kitchen, because it's been more than a year since I read that, and I was moved by it AND I remember it. Bonus points there, Yoshimoto.

How To Build A Girl: How To Build A Bridge To My Heart

I didn't know who Caitlin Moran was until the lovely Frances got excited at me this one day because Caitlin's first book was coming out in a couple of weeks. I'm not immune to Frances-recommendations, nor to her shoving books in my face and telling me to read them, and so I read How To Be A Woman, and it was spectacular.

By the time Moranthology came out, I was hanging on Moran's every word on twitter, reading all her columns whenever The Times pesky paywall came down, and even got tickets for two events she was doing to promote her book. At one of these, I MET HER AND IT WAS GREAT and, let's face it, I would probably marry her if I could (a platonic marriage of amazingness, obviously).

Somewhere along the way I've also read The Chronicles of Narmo, the novel Moran wrote when she was 15 and ridiculously precocious, but this basically brings us to this readalong. I am SO EXCITED to be reading Caitlin along with some tremendous ladies, but on the flip side of this, I can't believe I've had the book in my possession for a couple of weeks now and haven't actually read it (let's face it, I've read some of it. It's amazing. But shhhh...)

But anyway! Those dark days of longing are over now, and I can't wait to read the things the glorious Caitlin has to tell, nor can I wait to squeal about it with everyone starting next week. SO EXCITED.

(ps you can definitely follow along with us over at Emily's blog, we'll be posting weekly. And I will be screeching A LOT.
pps If you're an American, you can definitely preorder this book here. And if you're an Englisher, you can probably find it in most bookshops because I'm pretty sure it's out now.)

Sunday Sundries: I've stopped holding out on y'all!

Happy Sunday, kids! I'm writing this on Saturday morning because I'll be in Bristol all weekend doing the Race for Life* (there's still time to sponsor me WINKY FACE go on, you know you want to) but I wanted to show my face around these parts since I've been absent all the weekdays for about a month. Life has become disturbingly busy and I can't see it letting up any time soon, so please just bear with me- I do have one and a half blog posts written in a notebook, so one of those might even get typed up this week! We'll see.

So, why is life so busy? I'm working less days but more hours now, which means that, while I get Wednesdays and Thursdays off work (WOOP!) I also spend almost the entirety of my waking hours on Monday, Tuesday and Friday either travelling to and from work or actually at work. Added to that this week has been going to the hospital nearly daily (I took a mental health day on Thursday) because my papa is back in there (BOO) because no one really thought to check if the infection he had last time had cleared up properly. It had not. BUT, he seems to be on the mend now, so fingers crossed he'll be out soon, not really for my sake but for his own, obviously! What all of this means, anyway, is that on Wednesday and Thursday I spend my time catching up with things I've let slide for those first couple of days of the week, then suddenly it's Friday and I have no idea what I'm doing with myself. Hence the lack of blogging, reading, or really most things that are fun.

(I have found the time to watch most of the first season of House of Cards with my housemate though. What a mind fuuuuuck!)

So that's my life right now, and it's only going to get busier from September because (and this is what I've been holding out on you guys about. Never again, I swear!) I'll be doing a Masters at Royal Holloway in Shakespeare! SURPRISE! I didn't want to tell you, firstly until I got accepted, and secondly until I got money stuff sorted out, but I paid my deposit on Thursday, and I'm really excited about it! I've felt like I've been drifting along kind of aimlessly ever since I left university, and this feels like the first really big decision I've made about what I want to be doing with my future since then. I'm so grateful that I have the opportunity to do it, and I'm determined to work really hard, be a big important academic type person and still say fuck a lot on the internet.

This must be what actual ambition feels like- I think I thought I didn't have any, but it turns out I just didn't know what it should be aimed towards, and I'm pretty confident that this is it. Or it feels like the right thing for right now, at least. I'm really excited, and really scared I'm not smart enough, and a lot of other feelings at the same time, but mostly, it's just that gratitude thing. And I GET TO STUDY SHAKESPEARE FOR A WHOLE YEAR! In case I haven't made it clear yet, I kind of love that guy. You know, a lot.

So that's my whole big deal. All of my 'I've been doing something important this week that I can't talk about's, and my 'Exciting news! But I can't tell you yet' has been this, and I'm sorry if I've made you not care with all my teasing but this is it and it's a giant thing in my life right now. Annnnd now I'm rambling and I don't know how to end this so so so have a great rest of your weekend and do epic things and then tell me about them!

*Obviously I won't be running all weekend, it's only a 5k, I'm not that slow!

Ninja Book Swap Haul

Hey, guys! Look, another post that isn't a review of any sort. I'm doing reaaaally well lately...

Anyway, hush. Look at some things that I got! The Ninja Book Swap, for those not in the know, is run by the lovely Bex and Hanna, about 3 times a year, and you agree to send someone a package, and someone else sends you a package in return. I haven't joined in the last couple of times, because I'm dirt poor (nice work moving out of your parents house, me) but this time I thought, why not?

And that's how I found myself going to the post office this week to collect a parcel that was 'too large' to post (!!!). Before I show you what I got though, I just want to say that the person I bought for was LITERALLY my twin- she likes scandinavia, baths, and at least four of the books on her list of ten were books I'd either read or wanted to. My point (other than that it's kind of creepy referring to someone you've never met as your twin) is that these guys do a really good job of matching people, AND/OR that was a really creepy coincidence, in which case, why fight what is obviously meant to be?

ANYWAY- goodies!

Apologies for the arm shadow, it was just so nice and sunny on Thursday...

So the lovely Kelly sent my parcel, and she did a REALLY GOOD job! That's a keep calm and read on bookmark which I wholly approve of, as well as a teeeeny badge that says so many books, so little time which is the truest saying of my life at the moment, and then, you know, BOOKS. So there's The Waves by Virginia Woolf, which I am only the tiniest bit scared of (I'm pretty scared. Stupid Woolf.) and also Morrisey's autobiography WHICH, fun fact, I totally bought for my swappee, wanted to keep, massively, but managed to send on for I am a good and thoughtful giver. 

So. Not a bad parcel to get in the post, I think you'll agree! I can't recommend joining in on the next one (which will be halloween, I think) enough- you get to give AND receive books, what could be better?!