But it did. January ended, and I have to believe that the way I feel right now is going to end too, otherwise there wouldn't be any point in even getting out of bed in the morning, to be honest. Right now I'm kind of trying to just keep swimming *pauses to find gif*
So, it's February, and this week I'm planning on moving back to the actual house I live in and pay rent for. I'm kind of apprehensive about it, because WHERE WILL MY MUMMY BE I NEED TO HUG HER A LOT (I really do, it's kind of pathetic) but at the same time I'm kind of like well. I'll just see how it goes and, if I need to, I can always come back to my parents' house for however long, and it'll all be fine and whatever. The thing is, at this point, I don't know that being here is helping me that much, in that it's like I'm putting off getting back to what my actual daily routine needs to be, so that, even if I feel vaguely happy here, I'm just going to have to relearn a new way to do things and that might throw me out of whack and I'm just now realising that I sound like a crazy person.
Well, so be it.
So anyway. 5 miles away from my parents I go again (I know) and I'll keep you updated on how I get on, if that's something you care about (actually... I will even if it's not). Shall we talk about these February Resolutions now? I shouldn't really call them (it?) resolutions, actually, it's more of a rededication of myself to this blog right here. January was almost my lowest posting month ever, and even though there are obvious reasons for that, and I'm not beating myself up about it, I just want to do more with it and write more stuff and just generally distract myself from feeling terrible by thinking thoughts about stuff. Hey, it's worked for me before, I'm trusting it to work again.
Fortunately for this goal, the Bleak House readalong is happening this month (aaaand the next) so that's four posts right there, and then there are Sunday Sundries posts (I am DEDICATED to them for this next month, at least. I'll think of crap to write, even if I have nothing to say) and I guess I should read some other books or possibly just ramble about other things and annoy everyone in the process. Either way, I want to try to mildly neutralise my urge to do nothing and lay down all day with writing about stuff whilst, let's face it, probably laying down. BUT AT LEAST I'LL BE DOING STUFF, HUSH!
So that's about it, really. Everything is still The Worst, but I'm trying to make it The OKest. We'll see how this goes.
*sits down quietly next to Laura and just stays there* *hands over cup of tea in unobtrusive silence*
ReplyDeleteI love you Ellie P. You're awesome.
DeleteI hope this doesn't come across as too cheesy/patronising, but I honestly think you're doing great.
ReplyDeleteAwww, it's a teeny bit cheesy but not at all patronising! I think I'm probably doing better in writing than I am in life, but I'm trying and that's all I can do, really. But thank you, you're lovely.
DeleteGood luck with getting back to daily life! I'm totally cheering you on!
ReplyDeleteAnd with 800+ pages of Bleak House we won't even have time to lie around and do nothing. Cheers for Dickens as well... although Bleak House does sound quite depressing to be honest.
Thank youuuu. Cheering is totally welcomed and necessary.
DeleteYou are very correct about the Dickens- I was reading some tonight and was like 'ok, this is cool, I've got ages for this' and suddenly realised NOPE, I have to read 5 chapters (now...) in a day. So that's Monday sorted... (ps it's not that depressing! At least so far... I've probably jinxed it now...)
Let's usher in February with eagerness in the hope that it will banish the badness that was January.
ReplyDeleteFor the record: (1) I don't think you sound crazy. (2) We all need hugs from our mums. And (3) yes, we definitely want to know how you'll be doing once you move back to your own place.
*crosses fingers* *closes eyes and believes in fairies and whatnot*
DeleteAnd thank you for all three points! I will of course keep you updated/moan about everything ever, so you'll have that to look forward to in your life ;)
Remember you can always make brownies :-) And cupcakes with meeeee in March, so that's good! Plus Finding Nemo is currently Benji's favourite, so we've watched it about 8 times this month...
ReplyDeleteI actually am going to make brownies with my cousin this week! And YES to March!! Having things to look forward to is totally a thing for me at the moment, so I'm glad we're doing that :). Finding Nemo is so gooooood (but not sure I'd want to watch it 8 times in a month...)
DeleteI promise it will end. x
ReplyDeletep.s. YOU HATE DICKENS!
I love you xxx
DeleteP.S. I do! But I've now read 6 (or 7...) Chapters of Bleak House and I don't want to poke rusty things into my eyes (any more than usual). WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING TO ME?
I haven't really got anything useful to say, but want you to know I'm thinking of you. *Hugs*
ReplyDeleteThank you muchly :). I still don't really think there's anything useful that can be said, so just people thinking of me is pretty great, tbh.
DeleteI think January was kind of awful here too. It was grey almost every day! i really need some sunlight, idk about you. I think it's good that you're going back to your place and like you said, you're close enough that if your family needs you (or you need a hug) you can easily just pop on over.
ReplyDeleteWish I could easily give you a hug now. Love you!!
January was definitely awful weather-wise, but also emotionally-wise and just everything was awful.
DeleteAw, I wish you were close enough to hug toooo! *stretches arms out across the atlantic*
It's a good plan to try to get back into a routine. Things don't stop sucking, necessarily, but somehow they're easier to deal with when you're doing every day things. Also, I wish we lived closer so that I could pat you on the back and give you some of that Biscoff fudge I made over the weekend. Comfort food, yum.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you've started Bleak House yet (well you probably have, first post is tomorrow and I'm late commetning, of course), but it is a bit bleak and also kind of awesomely absurd in places, so hopefully that's something you're in the mood for!
Ooooh, fudge! Yes please :). I'm kind of apprehensive, but also I just kind of want to get back into a routine of some kind now, so we'll see how it goes. Hey, I can always come back to my parents' ;).
DeleteI have indeed started Bleak House, and I kind of love it?
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming
ReplyDeleteI think getting back to a routine will probably help things. Things will still suck but you can always run back home if things get to be too much and get lots of mom hugs. And then things will eventually be the OKest. And eventually even better than that.
HUUUUGS
Swimming, swimming...
DeleteYeah, I definitely going back is the right thing to do at this point. I know for a fact that I will be running back for mum hugs, but hopefully not too much (not that I don't like mum hugs, but I want to not NEED them... Or something). I know things won't be like this forever, but I don't really feel it yet, ya know? Sigh.
HUGS indeed :)
Mums are under-rated. When I lived in Sheffield (about 50 miles away from here, you Southerner!) I wasn't in the best mental health place, and sometimes I desperately needed my Mum. I used to ring three or four times a day, just to hear her voice, and she'd just narrate whatever she was watching on TV at the time to me.
ReplyDeleteEven now, when I'm usually only three floors away, I'll still sometimes go downstairs just so she can hug me.
You don't sound like a crazy person. You actually sound like a mature, responsible person who has realised what she needs to do and is getting on with doing it. It probably doesn't feel like it, but you really are way more competent/adult/put-together than you give yourself credit for.
I know where Sheffield is! I have driven up the M1 (excuse me, been driven) at least (exactly) once in my life! But seriously, mums are the best and sometimes you just need to be near them and that's all there is to it.
DeleteAnd thank you for saying nice things about me! I'm still not sure I am many of those things, but I really am trying, which is all I can do at the moment, really. Might have to be calling my mum 3 or 4 times a day too, but she'll just have to put up with that.
Big huge giant hugs to you Laura!! I can't imagine how you've been feeling emotionally this past month with the loss of your grandma but I do get your wanting to be close to mum and comfort. You know that I live less than a mile from my mom, right? And everytime we talk about moving I want to scream BUT I CAN WALK TO HER HOUSE!! (Nevermind that for most of the year it's either too hot or too cold to do so). There is a lot to be said about just keeping swimming, though. I hope that February is a much brighter month for you. I think the whole world could use a little spring about now!
ReplyDelete