This week, I went for a run for the first time in five and a half weeks. I'd been building up to it for a couple, psyching myself up to get back out there whilst simultaneously telling myself that yoga was quite enough exercise for one person, thank you.* Thursday morning, I woke up at a reasonable time, and I wasn't horribly exhausted. It was a good start, and it was a really good run- I outran the fear of falling over (the tragic end to my last run attempt), I outran the fear of not being able to run properly after so long away, and I enjoyed myself just because I was actually out there and not just laying in bed like a lazy lazy Laura.
The rest of Thursday I felt pretty knackered, but on Friday I felt AMAZING. And I realised that there was a time when I felt that alert and good pretty much all the time, and that it was directly linked to the amount of running I'd been doing. I was so awake on Friday that work dragged on rather than passing me by in a foggy haze,** and I was still awake enough that evening to watch about 4 and a half hours of Breaking Bad, which may or may not have been ill advised. But it was awesome.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, other than to state, once again, that running is sort of amazing. Like, seriously, endorphins might be my favourite thing on the planet. But I guess it's just sort of as a reminder to myself, that things are always going to crop up, but I'm still going to need to make time to move my body because it makes me feel the best I know how to feel. And the fact that this is me typing this makes me feel like I don't even know myself anymore, but I guess that's ok because, you know, people gots to change.
(For more exercise-praise, please see Frances's blog post here. It's pretty much everything I want to say about it, without exactly knowing how. Good Frances.)
Here's another thing I forgot- When something new is going to happen, I do my best not to think about it until I absolutely have to think about it, which is at the last minute. I am, of course, talking about my return to education, and yeah. Really not thinking about what it's going to be like, but I also think that subconsciously it's on my mind all the time. It's not that I'm trying not to think about it, I think it's more that there are things that are more immediate that need my attention (like, you know, life) but every so often I'll go 'OMG I AM GOING TO HAVE TO WRITE ESSAYS' (like I don't write you guys essays all the time) and I get a little bit freaked out.
I think I'm going to be fine. In fact, I know it's going to be fine, but until it actually gets started I'm not going to know what it's like, and what it's going to be like juggling a job and a full time course and everything else, so yeah, I'm a little bit nervous. Here's a thing that I don't mean to do but I always do- I think I get more scared about things than excited about them, so that if they don't work out I can pretend that I wasn't that excited about them anyway. It's the saddest thing about myself, I think, and I should probably be in therapy or something, but it's why I didn't tell anyone when I applied for the MA and I think it's why I'm ignoring it now- as long as I don't think about how much I want it, then I won't want it as much as I do.
You don't need to tell me how fucked up this is, I'm telling myself right now. But you know what, I've identified it, I'm working on it... I'm going to be ok.
As for the rest of my life? It hasn't really got much quieter, but I haven't been so tired that I've fallen asleep on the arm of the sofa this week (neckache. Serious neckache) which is good. I also basically haven't read anything, which makes me wonder WHO AM I? but this might be one of those things I also return to when I just can't bear not to anymore, and then read about 10 books in a week. Hey, it could happen (sort of).
You're going to want to excuse to confessionary nature of this post, it just turned midnight into Sunday so I'm sleepy (running!) and apparently very honest at this hour. And everything in the world is as it should be. Now tell me, how was YOUR week? What personal truths would you like to share with me?
*Don't get me wrong, yoga's amazing. But that's not really the point here.
**Which is worse? You decide!