It would be pretty redundant of me to try and explain just how much I love her, or in what ways, because which words can you use to sum up the impact of a person who has always been there for you, or the depth of the loss when you realise, over and over again, that she isn't going to be there anymore. For anything. Ever. I will carry her in my heart for always, and sometimes that feels like a wonderful gift but mostly it just doesn't feel like enough because I want her here, and I want to hug her, and I want so many things that I just can't have anymore.
It's been a rough week or so.
Right now I'm not really living in the present so much as the past and the future at the same time. This can make my brain feel a little complicated, sure, but it's difficult to stop remembering (there are a lot of memories) and it's difficult to stop thinking about things that are coming that are going to be so difficult and, you know, grief.
I don't really have the stamina to add much more right now, but here are a couple of things I've discovered this week:
- I'm pretty sure that the internet and especially social media were invented purely for the grieving. I've spent so much time reading blog posts (without having the energy to comment) and flicking between twitter and instagram and facebook and tumblr this week that it's ridiculous, but it keeps me occupied without taxing my brain too much.
- But the downside: when your nan dies on New Years Eve, everyone's wrap up of the year posts and resolution posts and ESPECIALLY Happy New Year posts will not be easy to take en masse. I still kind of want to slap anyone who wishes me a Happy New Year, even though it's not their fault, obviously.*
- It's really really difficult to read when you're stuck somewhere between the past and the future and barely have enough energy to watch TV all day. I'm hoping to get that skill back, and soon, though.
And that's about all I've got for now. I didn't want to leave you hanging, but I also didn't want to labour the point here, really. There's some important sofa sitting and TV staring to be done, you know?
*And seriously, if you did this to me on twitter or on the comments of my last post, then please don't think I hate you! I just... hate the situation. You know.
Sorry for your loss, Laura. My total sympathy. 2013 has been an awful year to me, disrupting and upsetting. My granny died at 100 (well, I'm older than you, you know) in January, my mother-in-law in March and my darling dad on New Year's Eve. I feel uprooted and lost, heartbroken and depressed since they were 3 massive pillars to my everyday life.ReplyDelete
The also were extraordinary example of positivity, optimism, strength and energy. So I owe them this: I must react and go on and apply their teaching.
It will take time but I'm determined to strive to become like they were: smiling, encouraging, brave.
Your nan reminds me of my own granny looking at her in the picture above. I'm sure you've learnt much from her and she'll always live in your thoughts and actions.
Hold on, be strong and give yourself time to mourn. You'll (we'll) go back reading, writing and loving life. We just need some time. A big hug. MG
*An enormous hug and lots of tea* There's not really much more I can say than that, really. If I was there right now I'd just be sitting quietly keeping you company and maybe slowly working through a pile of box sets to help you while away a few more hours. And making you toast. So... I'm sort of wishing you all that, but in comment form. Does that make sense? Hold on in there, if you can ride out this first horrible couple of weeks the worst will be over. We're all thinking of you. :)ReplyDelete
:( *BIG SQUISHY HUGS*ReplyDelete
Sending you the biggest hug ever sent via the interwebz.ReplyDelete
Oh, Laura. I'm so sorry for your sadness and loss. I send you virtual tea (for comfort), whiskey (for when you want to numb that sharpness a little), and a sea salt caramel kringle (for nourishment, clearly). Will be thinking of you in the days and weeks to come. And if you can't concentrate on reading right now, bless you, then just be kind to yourself and do the things that you can concentrate on right now. The reading will come.ReplyDelete
Oh, Laura, I'm so sorry. :( *hugs*ReplyDelete
You're in my heart, Laura...a virtual hug coming your way :(ReplyDelete
I'm so sorry to hear that, Laura. Be kind to yourself over the next few months.ReplyDelete
I'm so so sorry to hear about your nan. HUGS! Spend all the time you need staring at the TV and internet. And know we're here for you.ReplyDelete
Thats awful :-( I have no idea what to say except that time heals and cake and lovely memories help. If it helps (which I'm sure it doesn't much right now) I love you and there are big hugs from me and benji coming your way next time we're in the area. Do what you need to do, if you want to talk we're here but if not we'll still be here when you do xxReplyDelete
Laura, I'm SO SO sorry about your nan! I feel terrible :/ I am sending all my warm hugs and comforting thoughts your way!!! Take all the tv-watching / interneting time you need and we'll all be here.ReplyDelete
Sending you good thoughts and all the comfort I can from across the ocean. I hope you know that it's totally normal and okay to take a while -- however long you need -- to let yourself heal and grieve. Can you feel the hug I'm trying to give you? A thousand hugs.ReplyDelete
Oh Laura. Hugs hugs and then more hugs. It's a beautiful post and I am so sorry for your heartache. xoReplyDelete
Oh Laura, I'm so so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs your way.ReplyDelete
Aww, sweetie, I'm so sorry. We would descend upon you en masse with hugs if it were possible.ReplyDelete
I'm so incredibly sorry. Thinking of you...ReplyDelete
I'm so, so sorry Laura.ReplyDelete
Those words don't feel like enough. They aren't enough. But I'm sending happy thoughts, prayers, and wishes for a release back into the healing world of words before you know it.
Oh, Laura, I'm so sorry to hear it. I know it is so terribly hard to grasp what it means to keep going when someone so close has passed. Grieving and just thinking of all those beautiful moments you had together will keep you going. I believe my own nan's death made me a better person. My thoughts are with you as I know these words will never be enough. Thinking of you and your family.ReplyDelete
I'm sorry to read about your loss. It is hard, I know. My prayers are with you.ReplyDelete
You are fully entitled to do all the couch-sitting and mindless TV-watching your heart desires. I'm so sorry you're entering the new year in mourning. Huddle close with your real-life family and let them grieve with you, and know that your Internet family is here patiently waiting with GIFs of kittens in bowls when you're ready.ReplyDelete
I'm so sorry to hear that :( I hope you and your family are coping okay.ReplyDelete
My granddad died in 2012 and I was completely useless for a while afterwards. I think social media (apart from people being happy because I did NOT want to read about that at all!) and TV really REALLY help. It's good to distract yourself from your thoughts otherwise you end up on a spiral of sadness. *hugs*
I'm so so sorry. There are no words, but this is something I just came across in my book today...ReplyDelete
"'I'm sorry,' I said, aware even as I spoke, what useless things, really, words of sympathy are, even though they're sometimes all we have."
Oh my dear girl. I am so sorry for your loss, and your grief. I offer you the only comfort I can think of:ReplyDelete
I, Tika Viteri, being of mostly sound mind and body, hereby bequeath unto you the following:
1) The kiss I bestowed upon the bust of John Steinbeck's strangely warm and lifelike but abnormally large-headed statue
2) The smell of a Californian grape arbor in spring - something like shit and proto-wine and sunshine-soaked earth and laughter and impending hangovers
3) The blessing of a distracting day spent reading with friends who live in your computer
4) This virtual cookie. And a virtual hug.