Oh heeey, so this must be the first Sunday in 2 weeks, huh? Yeaaah... Last Sunday was both Mother's Day and Daylight Savings started, so I was an hour behind anyway and I had to be nice to my mum and had an emotional visit to my nan's grave, and then went and saw my nan in Ascot and yeah. Let's just say the day got away from me.
Kind of sadly, because I was going to tell you about all the awesome things I was going to do with my week off work! But instead, you know, I'll just tell you what I did. Which makes more sense. Because I actually did the stuff. I'm going to do this day by day because that'll make it so much more interesting...
Monday: I met up with my mum around lunchtime and we had lunch and did some food shopping together. It was brief, but nice. Then, in the evening, I went out to dinner with my sister and we went to see Dallas Buyers Club (FINALLY) which was pretty good, but mainly reminded me that I haven't watched a film in a reaaaaaally long time, so my attention span is shot. Probably need to work on that.
Tuesday: Pretty much just chilled out in the house, watched some TV, sent some emails and did some internetty things I've been meaning to do, but most importantly, I went for a run, which means the day wasn't wasted. Which is good!
Wednesday: I took myself up to London. Ostensibly to go to the National Gallery and look at the two versions of Van Gogh's Sunflowers they have hanging next to each other (and to unintentionally think some arty thoughts about them) but I also saw some other paintings and some Van Goghs that I didn't even know existed and it was good. I also ended up walking around Chinatown and going in alllll the oriental supermarkets, and got a few bits and pieces. And then I walked to a million other places. I can't overstate the amount of walking. There was a lot of it.
Thursday: More lunching with my mum! Plus walking around Richmond, plus I bought her cake. A jolly good time was had by all.
Friday: Pretty much another day at home, although I did go to the library to pick up The Giver which I'd reserved, and then I read it in an afternoon. So that was pretty cool. Also, a run. EXHAUSTING.
And that was basically my week! It was pretty nice and relaxing and all the things a week off work should be, even if there have been times where I've been like 'I should be doing MORE THINGS. Or maybe reading more. I DON'T KNOW.' because, you know, I have issues.
But now to the week ahead, which is really where the subtitle comes into play. This Wednesday is my birthday, which is technically a good things because, I assume, there will be presents and also cake and also I have another day off work which is obviously always the best. But. This is going to be the first birthday of my whole life that isn't going to involve my nan, and the thought of that makes me unspeakably sad. I know that this is the first one, so obviously it's going to be the hardest, and obviously it's ok to be, you know, sad and upset, but also it's my birthday and I don't really want to be sad and upset.
So, it's kind of a Catch-22- the fact that it is my birthday is going to upset me, even though I don't want to be upset on my birthday, and it sucks but that's the way it is. I've said a few times 'I don't really want to do my birthday this year...' and I get a bit of 'you know that nanny would want you to have a nice time' and so on, and I know that she would but at the same time I can't. To be honest, I'll consider it a success if the time I spend crying is less than the time I'm not, and hopefully that will be the case.
This grief thing, guys. It's really hard.
Aww, Laura, I'll be thinking of you *fiercely* on Wednesday this week and hoping that you find a way to celebrate your birthday in a way that feels good. And with maybe a few tears but not loads of them.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Emily. I'm kind of prepared for an assault on my emotions, but I just don't. Want. To. Do. It. But, my birthday's going to be on Wednesday whether I want it to be or not, so I'm just going to have to suck it up, I guess.Delete
I'm sending you whole bunches of transatlantic hugs right now. It's important to grieve however feels right to you. Even though it's probably true that your nan wouldn't want you to be sad on your birthday, you should listen to yourself and do what works for you. If you're not in the mood for celebrations, don't force it to make others happy. You can always have a celebration later on when you're feeling up to it -- you're a year older the whole year! Either way, I hope you find a way to have some fun stuff on Wednesday (cake at least!)ReplyDelete
I'm definitely not going to be all 'hey, it's my birthday guys! GIANT GRINS' because I know I'm not going to feel like that, but at the end of the day, I DO like hanging out with my family, so that'll be nice regardless? There will definitely be cake on Wednesday. And presents. So that's what I'm in this for.Delete
Your week off sounds great, like you had the perfect balance of relaxing at home & going out - I never quite manage that!ReplyDelete
I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday, hope the day isn't too bittersweet.
I think I did get a good balance in the end! Although weirdly I felt bad when I was just lazing around doing nothing, I was a bit like '...Should probably be sorting my life out right about now', but eh, my life will sort itself out, right? (Probably not, ha!)Delete
And thank you. Either it's going to be a lot better than what I'm thinking, or it'll be the same, because honestly it can't be worse than the day I'm imagining. *deep breaths, calming thoughts*.
I haven't written a Sunday post in ages. I'm glad you had a good week off. Hooray for days out and days in. (Did you go back to the Hummingbird bakery for cake?)ReplyDelete
I hope you manage to enjoy your birthday, though I know it'll be hard. *hugs and cake*
I did go to The Hummingbird Bakery for cake, of course! It was goooood. I do like Sunday posts, but sometimes the weekend gets away from me, you know?!Delete
Thank you. I will try. Or at least try not to be too sad. Sigh.
I am way late commenting on this post BUT that just means I can't be one of the first people to wish you happy birthday! so really, all part of the plan. (Right? Cos I think by now it's the 9th in your world, even though it's still the 8th over here. Pretty much I'm wishing you happy birthday WITH TIME TRAVEL). And the first birthday (the first everything) after a loss sucks. But think, after the first things get easier. Focus on the happy and cakeReplyDelete