This week, I went for a run for the first time in five and a half weeks. I'd been building up to it for a couple, psyching myself up to get back out there whilst simultaneously telling myself that yoga was quite enough exercise for one person, thank you.* Thursday morning, I woke up at a reasonable time, and I wasn't horribly exhausted. It was a good start, and it was a really good run- I outran the fear of falling over (the tragic end to my last run attempt), I outran the fear of not being able to run properly after so long away, and I enjoyed myself just because I was actually out there and not just laying in bed like a lazy lazy Laura.
The rest of Thursday I felt pretty knackered, but on Friday I felt AMAZING. And I realised that there was a time when I felt that alert and good pretty much all the time, and that it was directly linked to the amount of running I'd been doing. I was so awake on Friday that work dragged on rather than passing me by in a foggy haze,** and I was still awake enough that evening to watch about 4 and a half hours of Breaking Bad, which may or may not have been ill advised. But it was awesome.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, other than to state, once again, that running is sort of amazing. Like, seriously, endorphins might be my favourite thing on the planet. But I guess it's just sort of as a reminder to myself, that things are always going to crop up, but I'm still going to need to make time to move my body because it makes me feel the best I know how to feel. And the fact that this is me typing this makes me feel like I don't even know myself anymore, but I guess that's ok because, you know, people gots to change.
(For more exercise-praise, please see Frances's blog post here. It's pretty much everything I want to say about it, without exactly knowing how. Good Frances.)
Here's another thing I forgot- When something new is going to happen, I do my best not to think about it until I absolutely have to think about it, which is at the last minute. I am, of course, talking about my return to education, and yeah. Really not thinking about what it's going to be like, but I also think that subconsciously it's on my mind all the time. It's not that I'm trying not to think about it, I think it's more that there are things that are more immediate that need my attention (like, you know, life) but every so often I'll go 'OMG I AM GOING TO HAVE TO WRITE ESSAYS' (like I don't write you guys essays all the time) and I get a little bit freaked out.
I think I'm going to be fine. In fact, I know it's going to be fine, but until it actually gets started I'm not going to know what it's like, and what it's going to be like juggling a job and a full time course and everything else, so yeah, I'm a little bit nervous. Here's a thing that I don't mean to do but I always do- I think I get more scared about things than excited about them, so that if they don't work out I can pretend that I wasn't that excited about them anyway. It's the saddest thing about myself, I think, and I should probably be in therapy or something, but it's why I didn't tell anyone when I applied for the MA and I think it's why I'm ignoring it now- as long as I don't think about how much I want it, then I won't want it as much as I do.
You don't need to tell me how fucked up this is, I'm telling myself right now. But you know what, I've identified it, I'm working on it... I'm going to be ok.
As for the rest of my life? It hasn't really got much quieter, but I haven't been so tired that I've fallen asleep on the arm of the sofa this week (neckache. Serious neckache) which is good. I also basically haven't read anything, which makes me wonder WHO AM I? but this might be one of those things I also return to when I just can't bear not to anymore, and then read about 10 books in a week. Hey, it could happen (sort of).
You're going to want to excuse to confessionary nature of this post, it just turned midnight into Sunday so I'm sleepy (running!) and apparently very honest at this hour. And everything in the world is as it should be. Now tell me, how was YOUR week? What personal truths would you like to share with me?
*Don't get me wrong, yoga's amazing. But that's not really the point here.
**Which is worse? You decide!
Dude you are not alone, I am EXACTLY the same. It is frustrating and infuriating but I think it comes from being a bit of a perfectionist, at least it is for me. At least you're aware of it so you can work on it and make sure it doesn't get in your way.ReplyDelete
I joined a dodgeball team, haha, that's what is happening in my life at the moment. It's actually a crazy work out which sounds ridiculous, but it's so much fun!
Kayleigh, that brought me back to my first time watching the movie Dodgeball: "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball." Good luck with that!Delete
WHAAAAAAT, that is a pretty cool new hobby! I have played dodgeball (obviously) so I totally get the good workout thing. That shit is TIRING.Delete
I don't know if mine is being a perfectionist or just a generally mentally ill person (I'm not really mentally ill... Or at least not any more) but I definitely hold myself back emotionally from stuff that I should be diving headfirst into. WHO KNOWS what my damage is.
I sympathise with the being nervous instead of excited about new things. I tend to be the same, and on the day of doing anything out of the ordinary - even, say, going on holiday, I wake up with a big case of "don't want to!"ReplyDelete
Well done for getting back into the running and YAY ENDORPHINS! I haven't been swimming for a while - stopped going to the pool regularly when the sea got warm enough to swim in, and I really need to get back into a routine now it's not beach weather.
WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS, KATIE?! It's honestly one of the things I like least about myself, that new stuff is like a scary thing instead of an awesome thing (I mean, sometimes new stuff is scary. But not always!) WORKING ON IT.Delete
I am so trying to get into an exercise routine- in theory I want to run on my days off and do yoga on my days at work, but in reality I'm too tired to do anything after a full days work, and it rains too much to run consistently (or- I wanted to run this afternoon, but couldn't because raaaaain :( ). BUT ANYWAY- I'll figure it out. Probably.
My excitement vs nervousness for new things is a direct correlation to whether it's something new that I've chosen to do vs it's something new that has been visited on me to do. Make sense?ReplyDelete
But really, you do write us essays each week. Going back to school will be a lot like that, just with fewer GIFs. :)
I'd like to see a graph of what you've just described but yes, I can see that! I guess I'm MORE nervous about doing new things that I'm forced to do, but then doing new things I've chosen to do has the added pressure of not wanting to fuck them up and ARGH no. Seriously, I have issues!Delete
Are you saying I CAN'T use gifs in my dissertation? Emily, you must be joking! I AM gifs!
I go through that feeling with running (and going to the gym) ALL the time. It's been a while, I do it and absolutely love the feeling of it, and then work and things get in the way again and I don't want to take the time to work out because I really want to read/see the honeyman/play video games instead. I just can't seem to get to a steady state in which I can fit regular exercise in again. It's frustrating.ReplyDelete
And I think that you're avoidance of thinking about new-ish scary things coming up is COMPLETELY normal. Because the other normal thing is over-stressing about those things, and that's not healthy. So yes, you will be fine. Enjoy the ability to ignore it while you can.
Soooo frustrating not being able to exercise consistently. I'm lucky enough to only work 3 days, but with extra hours and going to see my dad etc etc... It's been tricky. The amount of good it does me far outweighs how difficult it is to fit in though, so I'm really trying to get back to it this autumn- I think it might be the only thing that keeps me sane against 1. Winter, 2. Uni. We'll see.Delete
"Enjoy the ability to ignore it while you can." Yes, I enjoy this logic. Yes indeed. Actually really useful advice, thank you!
YAYY RUNNING. Also for figuring out what makes you happy. These are good. And well done with the no neckache this week thing.ReplyDelete
These are good! You're right. And thank you, my aim in life is to not fall asleep on the arm of the sofa anymore. That was a very bad move.Delete
I meant to say - thanks for the mention. It did feel a lot like you were patting me on the head like a good doggy. I think 2 whole people may have clicked on the link!ReplyDelete
You... enjoy this headpatting, correct? It was REALLY GOOD and I never commented and was sad about it so instead I let those whole two people read it! Don't say I never do anything for you ;)Delete
You are making me really want to start running. Especially in lieu of the fact that I have been SUUUUUUUPER lazy recently.ReplyDelete
You are not alone in getting super scared about things and I am like that with pretty much everything new. Or not even new but things that are outside of my normal schedule which is incredibly stupid because yes, I would like to hang out with friends this weekend, WHY AM THINKING THAT NOT GOING OUT IS A BETTER OPTION?